Mother's Day Weekend

It's going to be a great weekend...in fact, it's off to a great start.  No, I'm not being sarcastic! Terry is off, Melissa is off and I get them all to myself.  Selfish, yep, you betcha!! Terry and I went to breakfast, Melissa was up and dressed when we got back, T hit the bed for a few z's , he worked last night and Lis and I took Mom her mother's day flowers.  We are hoping T will be awake soon for lunch... we're both hungry.  Mayfest is going on downtown Walhalla. Lis and I strolled thru the vendors before coming home from Mom's.  What's on tap for the remainder of the weekend, I have no idea, but I intend to enjoy every moment of it1

March, Early April, Benefits and Bootcamp

Wow, it's been a while ... sorry.  Life got in the way.  We've been camping..only down the road to South Cove but it was fun.  We leave next Saturday for Cherokee for a week of relaxation and trout fishing.
And...we're now home from Cherokee.  It was a terffic week, much needed and much enjoyed.  The weeks leading up to it were a bit tumultuous and very busy.  We camped for the last 2 weeks of bootcamp, we came home...parked the camper in the usual spot, only to discover a few days before our departure that some thieves had taken our 50 amp power cord that supplies the power to the camper.  My fridge was fully packed and ready for the trip to Cherokee. Uggh..the ruined spoiled food and the stench!  Further inspection found that the thieves had taken quite a bit of stuff from the building.  I'm just glad the camper and the other motorhome hadn't been vandalized.  The Wednesday before we leave, I get a call from the couple we travel with that their motorhome had been broken into and set on fire.  It was a total loss.  We weren't even certain at that point if we'd get to take our vacation.  I was furious and frightened.  In the end, we were able to get a new cord and head on up to the campground, Nancy and James rented a cabin in the park and were able to be with us til Thursday.  I'll write a new post about the entire trip. 
The weekend before leaving for the camping trip, we participated in a benefit for a gal who has stage 4 lung cancer. She's a single mom and is the cousin to our friend, Jason Taylor.  Terry and Jason have done BBQ for benefits before, this was a fun way to do what they love for someone who is so deserving. It was a success.  The benefit raised a huge sum of money for Jennifer.  We love doing these.

R.I.P. Bea

Bea continued to fail this week, and by Thursday evening it was evident that she would most likely, short of a miracle, not be able to recover. We spent the day and evening loving on her and telling her what a wonderful dog she was and how much we would miss her.  We took her to the vet on Friday morning.  Euthanisia was quick and painless.  She slipped into her eternal slumber while I held her and talked to her. 
We miss our Bea B girl, but it was time. She was so tired.  We were exhausted. 

One step forward, three steps back

Well, Bea has taken a turn for the worse.  She vomited her feeding tonight.  She's weak and wobbly ...moreso than yesterday.  I just hope she's not in pain.  It would kill me to think we're doing all this to her and just extending her misery.  I'm going to boil some rice and put it in the blender and see how she does with that ... wish me luck.

She's slowly improving...

When last I wrote, I feared that my daughter's chihuahua, Bea, was dying.  Well, after 3 long days and nights, she is now lapping water on her own.  We are still syringe feeding her food, but that's a long way from where we were on Saturday.  She is able to hold her head up and even take a few wobbly steps today.  We have hope.
I also had a first today. My first colonoscopy.  The prep was the worst part of the entire procedure.  I may consent to a second one if they improve the prep.  I am grateful that all was ok, except that it seems I have inherited diverticulitis from my mom.  I have never had the first symptom, so I don't plan on changing anything, yet.
It's back to work tomorrow for me.

One of the LONGEST weeks ever

I'm sitting on the loveseat beside one very sick dog.  It's my daughter's chihuahua, Bea.  Bea came into our lives via Pendergrass Flea Market the year she graduated from high school.  I was dead set against this dog...didn't want another inside dog... was relatively sure beyond a shadow of a doubt I didn't like chihuahuas. 
Bea made me eat every last word of every argument I had against her.  She stole my heart, then broke it wide open to squeeze in three more chihuahuas of my own.  Bea seems to be actively dying.  She has been in the Vet hospital all week on IV's.  She looked some better when we brought her home yesterday, but she is spiraling downhill.  The vet told us this morning, that sometimes when their kidneys fail, there's no way to correct it.  It seems that is where we stand.  Oh, I pray I'm wrong, we've cried, we've begged, we've pleaded, we've prayed... In a year of so many losses for my daughter, it seems that she might could be spared this one loss.  The boys know something's wrong.
They have laid quietly beside her today just keeping her company.  I feel so completely helpless.
Terry asked tonight on the way home from dinner, why did I think a dogs lifespan was so much shorter than a humans. I could only answer as I read once in All Things Great and Small. It's because they don't have to live as long to be worthy of heaven. 

My daughter is awesomeness

My only child, my daughter, is total awesomeness.  We've been through a lot together, she and I.  The most intense was the 10 monthes I carried her and the 29 hours I labored to finally bring her into the world via a c-section.  She is all the best parts of me and her father, and her other biological relatives.  It's amazing to see bits and pieces of our family members in her sense of humor, her unwavering loyalty, her truthfulness.  She is hardest on herself, like all of us.  She never cuts herself a break, and will be the first to say I'm sorry if she truly believes she's in the wrong.  She is stubborness personified.  This isn't all bad considering her recent separation and impending divorce from her husband.  She told me very matter of factly after a couple weeks of being back home that she was indeed ok.  She had thought about it, and had come to the conclusion that his first marriage ended in less than a year, his second relationship ended with the gal leaving him for another woman, and now this marriage was ending after less than 2 years.  She said the only common denominator in all that hot mess was him.  Wow.  I'd still be figuring out how to wreak havoc in his life, and she's very calmly and decisively moved on to find her own happiness.  Yep, she's total awesomeness.

Mama's Birthday

Yesterday was my Mama's 79th birthday.  We celebrated by taking her to dinner.  We, being my sister, my niece and her two kids.  It was an odd sort of celebration, but it seemed to make my Mama happy.  Guess that's all that matters. 
I can't imagine being 79.  I wanted to ask her what she thought about it, but didn't... I'm chicken. 
I know what I think about being 51.  I wonder what she thought about it.  I still can't ask her.  I'm afraid to hear the truths echoed in my own being...

Gary, the exercising deer

Usually it's too dark and we're just not awake enough to notice little things in the mornings for bootcamp.  Last week, Monday, specifically, Melissa and I noticed deer tracks on the track at bootcamp.  The interesting thing about the deer tracks was that they actually followed the track, like the deer was running laps ... or better yet, doing HIITs (high intensity interval training) which are simply of the devil if you ask me.  We giggled at the thought of this deer running HIITs and checking his pedometer.  Of course, he was in mismatched exercise garb, and barely awake.  Somewhere during our hilarity, Melissa called him, Gary.  Gary the exercising deer.  I wonder if he has to do HIITs because he noshes on a few too many acorns, or does he just like running?

Steps

We are supposed to log 12k steps 5 days of 7. Most bootcamp days I have around 7k by the time I finish work.  I have hit a wall with making myself get out and finish those steps every day.  I hate it, I loathe it, and most days talk myself out of it.  Last year, I'd have never ever let myself sit down before they were done.  I need to find that resolve again...On the other hand, I'm doing amazingly well at my food.  If only I could get them both there simultaneously. 
In my first blog, I wrote about trying local honey and cinnamon daily for my arthritis.  I believe it definitely helped.  We've been out of local honey for about a week now and my knees have started waking me up at night again.  It doesn't seem as bad as it was prior to starting the honey/cinnamon. 
Hubby is going to have to head by the Bee Store in Pickens and pick me up some more honey.  I like being pain free.  I would love to hear from anyone else that have tried honey as a remedy.
Obviously, I've already hit the sofa for tonight, with 8k on the pedometer. I'll probably make another 1k before bed, but tomorrow's another day... I'll get there, one step at a time.

LENT

On Ash Wednesday, I gave up sweets (sugar) for Lent.  I weighed that morning.  Yesterday morning I weighed and was already down 6.2 lbs.  Yay, Lent! I can't wait to see how much difference this makes with my arthritis if any.  It has offered much inspiration toward my spiritual journey though... never realized how often I reached for something sweet...
On Yesterday's post, You know it's a good workout when you're too tired to type.  My hair was even sore last night!  I feel much more invigorated this morning after 9 hours of sleep. Today's usually my half day, but I'm taking it on Friday so my schedule will be all off.  Hoping not to have to finish my steps in the rain tonight. 
Off to save the world, bbl.

Return to structure

I think I am the Tin Man, left in the rain to rust... I move, I holler... what a day.

Off week

This past week was my off week from Bootcamp.  We left on Friday and took the Fifth Wheel to Dillard, Ga to camp for our Valentine's Day.  Good friends of ours traveled with us in their new motorhome.  As Nancy's grandson so aptly put it, they went for the WOW factor this time!  It's a gorgeous new ride and getaway.  The weather was fantastic, we sat around the fire in the shelter all day yesterday, just chatting and enjoying being outside.  We even saw our fair share of snow flurries.
We didn't hurry to do anything. Ate twice on Friday and Saturday.  It was just good to unwind and spend some quality time with my Valentine.  Last night we snuggled up really close, because our furnace would not come on ... after almost 2 hours of trying.  It was hilarious and frustrating all at the same time.  Thank goodness for a hubby that always has body heat to share, hot flashes, an electric fireplace and a huge sense of humor!
Wednesday was Ash Wednesday and the beginning of Lent.  I have given up sweets/sugar for Lent.  I already feel better.  It will be most interesting to see what difference this makes, and if it finally busts my craving for ultra sweet sweets.  Bootcamp 2 starts tomorrow and I'm behind on my cooking because of the travel time home today.  Gotta get it going. 

I can see clearly now the blame is gone...

Well, the dreaded weigh in was not as bad as I anticipated.  I lost 7 of the regained inches, added a pound of muscle, and didn't have a change on the scale.  I'll take it. My younger sister and fellow bootcamper was voted most inspirational of this camp.  :-)
 I've sort of danced around all the "STUFF" that lead me to this stalemate in my weight loss and life redirection.  If you'll be patient, I'll try to start at the beginning.  My youngest sibling by 8 years was diagnosed with diabetes when he was 19.  My younger sister by 2 years was diagnosed with diabetes when she was in her late 30's. 
I'm a nurse.
Both of said siblings (the only two I own) shared the same philosophy for a long time.  If they didn't admit they had diabetes, then they didn't have it.  They sort of took their meds, and sort of developed hypertension along the way.  I preached, they stalled, I begged, they got mad (if they ever stumble upon this blog, it'll make them angry too...until they realize that I only feel this way, because I love them both so much).  So anyway, on my younger brother's 40th birthday, he had a stroke, then lost his eyesight 2 years later.  I thought, well, can't undo that, but perhaps the sister is paying attention... this past October, she suffered a stroke.  Thankfully, she recognized the symptoms and got treatment much faster than my brother.  So, we also have an elderly Mom, she's had a small stroke a decade ago, and is actually a very vital, energetic soon to be 79 year old.  So earlier this year, my daughter's young marriage ended, and she moved back home, life change number one. Then my Mom was hospitalized for what we feared was a heart attack or stroke, turns out her meds were just too strong. Whew, dodged that bullet.  Then my brother ends up in the hospital with what appeared to be a diabetic ulcer on his good foot.  That was handled with IV antibiotics and therapy, another bullet dodged.  Sister then has her stroke, leaves her job, separates from her husband.  All these things dominoed and created life change number two. 
It's good to have the girl child home.  She has always been the bright spot in our lives.  She is happy, healthy and shares the love of bootcamp with me.  I'm blessed to have her.  It's good that she recognized the door that opened in what has turned out to be a whopsided marriage and she will soon be free of that encumberence.  She told me one morning as my husband/ her father came in from work, and greeted me as he does most mornings by wrapping his arms around me tightly and calling me sweetie, that she wanted a man that loved her like that.  She sees the big picture.  Hopefully there is a man out there deserving of this bright, beautiful, insightful, happy and loving individual. 
As I said earlier, I love my siblings.  They were my first best friends, stood beside me when no one else would, and we always have each other's backs.  I didn't say I never got frustrated or angry with them.  Last fall I was angry. Pissed off.  Furious.  I felt like a failure.  I had failed them as a nurse.  I had failed them as the protective big sister.  I failed.  Did I? No, but I felt that way.  It was my excuse to sit on my butt and skip my steps.  It was my excuse for the extra serving of whatever (even if it was healthy) to send me over my calories for the day.  It was an EXCUSE to resort to my comfort zone. My comfort zone is NOT healthy. 
So this past month, I set a goal...albeit unrealistic... and guess what.  I failed.  But, I really didn't.  I made 11/12 bootcamps.  I made 90% healthy choices.  I almost made my steps most days, despite a bum knee and sciatica on the same side.  I have started to let go the anger, the frustration, the feeling of helplessness, the feeling of being overwhelmed.  I have on my pedometer.  Today I will get steps.  I have an accountability partner and I'll report into her tonight.  She will talk me off the ledges, even if she's standing there on the ledge with me.  We will NOT hold hands and jump together.  When I'm strong for someone else, it's usually when I'm my strongest.  I lost sight of that last fall.  I can see clearly now the blame is gone.
My amazing sister ran a half mile on the day we tested out for bootcamp, she did push ups and sit ups.  My sister with the stroke that left her weak on her left side.  She is amazing.  She is NOT a quitter.  She is a diabetic and a stroke survivor.  She is a Survivor.  I'm so proud of her.  I can only hope she knows how very much.

Weigh in Eve

Tomorrow is the next to last work out day of this particular bootcamp.  It's the day we test out,  pushups, sit ups, and run a half mile(well, some run... I will walk fast, jog a little,and walk fast some more). Then we have a killer workout, consisting of everything we would have done in an hour shoved into about 40 minutes.  It'll be horrible and wonderful all at the same time.  It's exhilarating to push your body beyond limits you thought existed and survive to moan about it later.  Then tomorrow evening, we'll face the tape measure and scale.  I can tell by my clothing that the scale will be my enemy, the tape measure a foe.  So what will I do?  Perhaps a little more berating of myself for allowing life to throw me curve balls and for my failure to knock them out of the park ... to take them without swinging.  Then, I'll take a deep breath, congratulate myself for making all the workouts but one, and begin to get ready for the next one that begins in 10 days.  I won't explode, in fact, people are still asking how much more weight have I lost... None, I say, but thank them for making me feel better.  Eighty two pounds ago, I never thought this current body existed anymore.  Nine bootcamps ago, I didn't know I still loved to swing a kettle bell, or do exercises til my muscles trembled and sweat poured off me like a river.  I promise myself that I have to live in the midst of this transformation, be flexible with the regimen, and gentle with my self because I'm still tender in this new place in my life. 

Sunday Drive

Snowed for a little bit yesterday... in the northwest corner of SC that is a cause for a mad dash to the grocery store to buy bread and milk.  Northeners laugh and ask if we eat milk sandwiches.  No, we don't, we need bread for our peanut butter and milk for snow cream, should we get more than a dusting of snow.  T and I opted out of the mad dash to the store, and chose to watch the snow fall from the comfort of our bed.  Well, we watched it for a few minutes, then we slept. When we woke, the snow was over and we braved the damp roads to find dinner. 
This morning was another story, we knew that northern Georgia and Northwest NC had more than a dusting, so we took a Sunday drive west and over the mountain back home.  It was gorgeous.  Mostly because the snow was there and not here.  I'm not a big fan of snow or cold.  If I knew how to post photos, I'd put some up so you could ooh and ahh with me.  I'll eventually figure that out. 
Now to dash to the grocery store, pick up a few items for the Super Bowl Supper/Snacks and get back here before kick off.  Pulling for both teams.  Home boy playing for the 49ers, and I just like the Ravens spunk.  Go FOOTBALL!

A clean house is a happy house...yeah, right.

Slept for over 10 hours last night, I must have been more tired than I imagined.  Found the broom and started upstairs and a few hours later, atleast my bedroom, bath and hallway are clean.  T started in the basement rearranging and tossing out more damp stuff from the flooding we had earlier in the week, he's now snoozing happily on the sofa while I watch Clemson basketball and generally waste a perfectly good afternoon.

A whole lot of flooding going on ...

Storms hit today with a vengeance, and our poor basement with all of Lis's belongings flooded.  We managed to salvage most everything, at the expense of Terry getting enough sleep.  He will have to leave shortly for work with about 4 hours total sleep for the day... have tried talking him into staying home tonight, but he just won't hear of it. 
Missed bootcamp this morning because of some little virus ... chills, abdominal discomfort, and a headache that would rival one of the worst migraines I've ever had.  Happy to say I'm feeling much better tonight, and am looking forward to sleeping like a baby ...barring any more storms!
So as today concludes, I'm grateful that our corner of the world was spared the tornadoes, and heavy flooding that other areas sufffered, grateful that a little water in the basement didn't upset all of our apple carts and we all worked together to dry off what we could, and toss out what we couldn't.  We're warm, relatively dry, and intact... goodnight.

Monday, Monday, blah, blah....

So today started off with a little better focus, a lot better attitude and an amazing amount of energy. Perhaps realizing that menopause has arrived with a vengeance has set my ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) into overdrive... I absolutely refuse to give into middle age. Period. End of discussion.  So for now, I will capitalize on this new found energy and focus, push thru the pain and hot flashes, the anger and the sadness, hopefully to emerge on the other side as well put together as I can possibly hope to be ... ride the waves, weather the storm, bend- don't break.  I can do this.

Sunday

So, last January I started bootcamp, did really well til things started falling apart around me.  Still didn't do horrible overall, but I used the stress of the distractions of my families trials to lure me away from the straight and narrow path I had religiously followed the past 10 months.  Amazingly enough, the forbidden foods didn't really taste that good, but I ate them anyway, cursing myself afterwards, berating myself for being so weak.  I used the excuse that I would start back with a vengeance in January...
So now, it's January...almost February.  I have done much better, but not with the enthusiasm of last year.  What's different, what's changed, where has my resolve and my willpower gone?

January 20, 2013
I've wanted to "Blog" for some time now and haven't felt that I had the time or energy to devote to it's creation, then I realized that I probably spent enough time wondering if I actually had the time to have actually started one, so here I go.
Fifteen years ago, I began a journey with my self perception.  I was completely consumed by my physical life ... being a daughter, wife, mother, friend, employee... so much so that I had completely lost me.  Fast forward to today, and I'm still consumed but not so much so that I've lost me in the swirl...or atleast not all of me. 
A year ago I started participating in a bootcamp exercise and weight loss program.  I fell in love with it.  I've done okay, could do better, but overall I'm very pleased with where I'm at.  I'm physically stronger and mentally stronger...that's good, right?  So my arthritic knee and hip have been screaming at me with all this new "movement" in my life and I had eventually tried pills to help dull the discomfort so I could sleep.  A month ago, I started taking local honey and cinnamon twice a day for this discomfort after reading several other accounts of this working, and I'm pleased to say that I've not needed the pills in over a month.  I'm encouraged, but wonder if anyone else has tried this with any success?