I can see clearly now the blame is gone...

Well, the dreaded weigh in was not as bad as I anticipated.  I lost 7 of the regained inches, added a pound of muscle, and didn't have a change on the scale.  I'll take it. My younger sister and fellow bootcamper was voted most inspirational of this camp.  :-)
 I've sort of danced around all the "STUFF" that lead me to this stalemate in my weight loss and life redirection.  If you'll be patient, I'll try to start at the beginning.  My youngest sibling by 8 years was diagnosed with diabetes when he was 19.  My younger sister by 2 years was diagnosed with diabetes when she was in her late 30's. 
I'm a nurse.
Both of said siblings (the only two I own) shared the same philosophy for a long time.  If they didn't admit they had diabetes, then they didn't have it.  They sort of took their meds, and sort of developed hypertension along the way.  I preached, they stalled, I begged, they got mad (if they ever stumble upon this blog, it'll make them angry too...until they realize that I only feel this way, because I love them both so much).  So anyway, on my younger brother's 40th birthday, he had a stroke, then lost his eyesight 2 years later.  I thought, well, can't undo that, but perhaps the sister is paying attention... this past October, she suffered a stroke.  Thankfully, she recognized the symptoms and got treatment much faster than my brother.  So, we also have an elderly Mom, she's had a small stroke a decade ago, and is actually a very vital, energetic soon to be 79 year old.  So earlier this year, my daughter's young marriage ended, and she moved back home, life change number one. Then my Mom was hospitalized for what we feared was a heart attack or stroke, turns out her meds were just too strong. Whew, dodged that bullet.  Then my brother ends up in the hospital with what appeared to be a diabetic ulcer on his good foot.  That was handled with IV antibiotics and therapy, another bullet dodged.  Sister then has her stroke, leaves her job, separates from her husband.  All these things dominoed and created life change number two. 
It's good to have the girl child home.  She has always been the bright spot in our lives.  She is happy, healthy and shares the love of bootcamp with me.  I'm blessed to have her.  It's good that she recognized the door that opened in what has turned out to be a whopsided marriage and she will soon be free of that encumberence.  She told me one morning as my husband/ her father came in from work, and greeted me as he does most mornings by wrapping his arms around me tightly and calling me sweetie, that she wanted a man that loved her like that.  She sees the big picture.  Hopefully there is a man out there deserving of this bright, beautiful, insightful, happy and loving individual. 
As I said earlier, I love my siblings.  They were my first best friends, stood beside me when no one else would, and we always have each other's backs.  I didn't say I never got frustrated or angry with them.  Last fall I was angry. Pissed off.  Furious.  I felt like a failure.  I had failed them as a nurse.  I had failed them as the protective big sister.  I failed.  Did I? No, but I felt that way.  It was my excuse to sit on my butt and skip my steps.  It was my excuse for the extra serving of whatever (even if it was healthy) to send me over my calories for the day.  It was an EXCUSE to resort to my comfort zone. My comfort zone is NOT healthy. 
So this past month, I set a goal...albeit unrealistic... and guess what.  I failed.  But, I really didn't.  I made 11/12 bootcamps.  I made 90% healthy choices.  I almost made my steps most days, despite a bum knee and sciatica on the same side.  I have started to let go the anger, the frustration, the feeling of helplessness, the feeling of being overwhelmed.  I have on my pedometer.  Today I will get steps.  I have an accountability partner and I'll report into her tonight.  She will talk me off the ledges, even if she's standing there on the ledge with me.  We will NOT hold hands and jump together.  When I'm strong for someone else, it's usually when I'm my strongest.  I lost sight of that last fall.  I can see clearly now the blame is gone.
My amazing sister ran a half mile on the day we tested out for bootcamp, she did push ups and sit ups.  My sister with the stroke that left her weak on her left side.  She is amazing.  She is NOT a quitter.  She is a diabetic and a stroke survivor.  She is a Survivor.  I'm so proud of her.  I can only hope she knows how very much.